EXISTENCE, EARTH — In a depressing sequence of events, virtual gaming has apparently taken a back seat to the trials set forth by a game some call “Real-Life”, despite its shortcomings to more modern first-person simulations. As a result, many gamers have begrudgingly been forced to start paying attention to a world that is actually around them — with dire consequences.

“Gamers have finally realized that demons and zombies are in fact not the only cause of their problems,” said industry analyst Joseph Acata. “At first I thought it was simply the Recession’s shockwave that had caught up with game sales, but the more I stare blankly at these statistics, the more I see that most gamers are virtually impoverished and really pissed about it. They now have their sights set on shooting real people, especially politicians and aliens.”

Up until recently, video games have served as a medium powerful enough to stave off costly needs like sex, food, and sleep. However, as real problems rise, more and more gamers have taken up the challenge to “make a difference.” Armed with skills gleaned from various virtual escapades, gamers worldwide have begun utilizing this knowledge to conquer the levels provided in Real-Life.

“I always regarded Real-Life as a fad,” said gamer-turned-realist Roy Brown. “But now I see how issues in Real-Life hurt my ability to ignore it. If working hard in reality will eventually allow me do nothing in the future, it’s about time for me to equip some pants.”

Economically, the scarcity of cash in the money supply can be traced back to gamers treating funds as they did experience points. Being that one cannot exchange those points for physical items, legions of gamers have unwittingly started to stash their income, seemingly unaware that they may in fact spend it for goods and services. Far more dangerous is the mental equivalence gamers have apparently made between their Real-Life managers and in-game bosses, which they have been conditioned to defeat by any means necessary. The consequences from this paradigm shift reportedly range from clandestine office mutinies to flat-out assault.

These developments might have some irreversible effects, being that gamer confidence in tried-and-true franchises has also begun to wane.

“I feel like both Capcom and The Backstreet Boys have lied to me,” said former Street Fighter 4 enthusiast Chris Acton. “I am certainly not indestructable, and no matter how much I try to face my destiny, I still keep bleeding money. Until they come out with a system that prints cash based on my high score in a game, I have to go find both females and a job. I’m dead.”