TOKYO, JAPAN — Sony Senior Executive Andre Alfort has issued an official statement today that gamers worldwide need to “…stop hanging off Apple’s balls.” This statement comes after the massive swell of traction the iPhone has gained the last year, which reportedly has Sony officials, as one intern put it, “sweating on the toilet.”

Alfort was quite candid in his statement to gamers. “Hey asshats, we came up with the whole big-screen-in-your-pocket thing first,” claimed Alfort. “And if it wasn’t for us coming up with the shiny metallic black case style first, Apple would have nothing! You hear me? NOTHING! It’s just a fucking phone!”

Whether or not the iPhone’s success is attributable to its coloration or its interface is subject to debate, but that did not stop Sony from accusing Apple of sidestepping them into the hearts of gamers; then all the way to the bank.

“By sweating our Sony Style, Apple was able to sneak a phone under every gamer’s nose. As if someone’s going to be on the phone while playing games… how many hands do you people have?! Sure, we could have included a phone with the PSP, but did we try to sneak this, or anything else, by you with our game system?”

To this we reminded Alfort of the PSP’s proprietary UMD disc format which forced movie houses to pay Sony Pictures a royalty fee if they published their films on Sony’s ‘gaming’ handheld; then the deluge of full-priced movies that followed for two years after launch; then their Hannah Montana PSP… Alfort interrupted:

“No. That didn’t happen at all… Look! It’s Miley Cyrus!” As we turned to look, Sony Senior Executive Andre Alfort made a run for the exit, the ring around his middle finger gleaming in the office corridor’s light.