RAPTURE, UNDER THE SEA — After the controversy surrounding Damori Miles’ death, Bethesda Game Studios has issued its own response with a plan that will effectively end any possible chance of violence or harm that could happen to children, whether they be special ed or standard issue.

“Our ultimate goal with this new day care program is to eventually phase out the need for parents entirely,” said Bethesda spokeswoman Eve Summers. “Parents have simply not been performing as effectively as initially projected. A Big Daddy on the other hand has shown remarkable efficiency in protecting children from rabid, firearm-wielding infiltrators. Just imagine what a Big Daddy could do in terms of rooftops.”

For a flatrate of $499 per month, any child may be enrolled into this revolutionary center that is tentatively being branded “Safety By The Sea.” Once within the program, children would first participate in a rigorous Reality vs. Fiction regimen which includes massive television, film, and gaming exposure followed immediately by a stiff smack upside the head. In this Pavlovian conditioning method, children will naturally begin to notice that their primary concern is not the virtual entertainment in front of them, but the very real open hand accelerating towards their skulls behind them.

By doing this first, parents can be sure that even if they cannot afford anything beyond the introductory month of Big Daddy Day Care, they can still be certain their children will be equipped to shield themselves from media indoctrination.

Critics of the program claim that while it may save many children’s lives, the impact on Social Darwinism models of human progression could be significant enough to tip the scales of evolution in favor of the rich and the dumb.

“We also have to consider what kind of education kids would be receiving from a Big Daddy,” said critic Autumn Dawn. “Granted, a caretaker that can barely grunt may be as effective as public schools in teaching our nation’s children, but what we need is improvement; not another par for the course.”

To these concerns, Bethesda’s Eve Summers replied, “Pfft! Nah!”

In response as to why Bethesda was not going to release their Day Care program based on their own hit, Fallout 3, Eve Summers replied, “We thought Big Daddies had more kid appeal than Vaults. I’m sure 2K Games won’t mind. Besides, the games are kind of similar enough anyway, right?”