FOSTER CITY, CA — Following a study that purportedly demonstrated gamers’ addict-like behavior towards their media of choice, The Entertainment Software Association (ESA) has decided to capitalize on the research with a transdermal gamer patch.

“We already knew we were going to take a major PR hit,” said ESA representative Gary Cole. “If, for any reason, the industry begins to slow due to growing parental concern over their kids’ habits, it could result in slow sales of hot upcoming titles like Stroller Wars. This new patch would then serve as a counter-measure to pick profits back up in this rather flacid economy.”

The “Pixel Patch” releases a steady stream of pixels directly into the user’s bloodstream over a set period of time. Naturally, certain gamers find particular genres more engrossing than others; so there will be genre-specific patches at launch.

“What concerns us most with our current genre model is patch-sharing,” continued Cole. “If a gamer is hooked on both turn-based RPGs like Chrono Trigger and a puzzler like Lumines, for example, then trades his patches with someone using an FPS patch to aid with their Halo cravings, we could start seeing whole new genre-blended addictions. The possible combinations are endless; I don’t think we have the resources to meet that kind of demand.”

The “Pixel Patch” is designed to ease some of the typical symptoms associated with gamer withdrawal including fanboyism, uncontrollable thumbs, and erectile dysfunction. A starter patch kit will be included via mail-in offer with notoriously addicting games like World of Warcraft 2 and Pigeon Foot Racing.